Tuesday, August 31, 2004
die from coughing..
haiz. .. think my student pass e disease back to me again. die.. got lotsa of thing to do ah.. wah.. i think i prefer to be e supporting role leh. don't like being a leader.. haiz.. got lotsa of fundraising to do.. hmm.. don't know whr to start.. i think we suppose to raise like $4000. gonna die this time. My chi course.. 4 lessons.. haven plan yet.. luckily ve gary, karen, guowei to help out. but, e first thing to do is to ve a healthy life so as to do ur stuff..
busy e whole day.. rushing from 0830 to 0430. then, went home with yiwen. today me n my family went to Golden Mile to eat Steamboat. It was nice.. most impt, it is cheap. kena cheated when we order e prawns.. e prawns like e Long John Silver like tt. Not wat we expected .. like those "zi cha" ones ..
i'm now in a complaint mode la. .. jus ignore me.. =)
Monday, August 30, 2004
personal
haha.. wat do u think it is?.. anyway, probly jus tellin e whole world tt i am super afraid of cockroach. Today i just met one "xiao qiang". i was squatting in e toilet when i saw "him". Wah. i dashed out e toilet like .. in 3 sec lor. I was quite calm though. Then, i switch on my bathroom light n praying tt he will not come bother me. In my head, i was thinkin of all sought of things i could use in e bathroom to kill him if it comes near me. so, i quickly brush my teeth n rushed out to my living rm where i start to burn my midnight oil. Die.. got to present 1 qn tml.. luckily thr's a break in btw. Going to make full use of tt break.
Happy Bday Mum *hugs n kisses* - though i unable to do it in real life. haiz.. y??? abit funny leh..i think. thinkin of gettin a yoga mat?.. shld i?.. shld i not?.. hmm.. =) shld i bring her to crystal jade or e restaurant in Paragon?.. or just stick to IMM? haiz.. even ve to think so much for such a joyous occasion. =) hope i enjoy my day. o ya.. n everyone .. too shld enjoy their day.. =D
Sunday, August 29, 2004
One after another..
today, thought i was later for e YEP meeting at 115 pm tat SAD. but, i was not "late". I reached at 120pm together with Priscilla. Anway, only 8 ppl arrived out of like 20 people. Hmm.. think we must change e house rule le.. kekez.. ve lotsa warming-up activity .. again.. doin many "learning" activities like.. again n again stating e reason y we want to go Vietnam for expedition, before settling down to our grp name "T.E.A.M H3". forgot wat it stands for.. tell ya. in my next entry.. kekez..
Okie. For e last time, I will repeat myself. I go because i want to enrich my life, gain experience, to play at e same time as well as learning how to adapt in a totally new environment. I am not socially inclined towards strangers esp. i ve to also try to communicate with e deaf. Hmm. i ve to brush up my receptive skills.. !! It's damn lousy. Even my signing oso cant make it. Soon, ve to start memorising e dictionary. sorry to digress. From e whole argument on "service-learning", i feel that learning is impt. actually i shld ve stand on e lower platform which indicates "learning". Cause i want to learn .. so that i can take it back to s'pore n apply wat i ve learn if i am able to. This is not "wei da" .. for most of us, we want to achieve personal growth also. It's difficult to know what we want until we know what we don't want. For personal growth, i hope to learn how to be content with what i ve. for the last part of e meeting, sigh.. for e first time, i was been assigned as a leader.. for fund-raising. Haiz.. abit cant make it.. but I shall do my best, with e help from my following members.
After e meeting, i rushed down to my JC gathering at Lao Pa Sat. with a quite empty stomach, i ate 3 sticks of satay, 2 chicken wings, 1 green tea, half ice-kachang. Hmm.. all of us paid a total of 100+.. good business for e stall holder. Then, i don't know y. We walk to chinasq, far east sq, n then to boat quay n settle down for coffee bean. i think we walk for half an hour. As usual thru out e whole JC gathering, i din talk much. I mean i understand them hmm.. somehow i jus feel diff freq... but, it is much better than last time. I am totally out lor.. i seriously ve prob. Now, at least i can talk to Dong. Glad, that he is feeling so much okie.. god bless.
wanted to share a quote.. but forgot. nvm shall with ya. in my next entry. bye. Nite. another wk again. still cant help checkin n recheckin my MSN.
Saturday, August 28, 2004
fArRagO ~
It's been a long time since i last 'participated' in my farrago session. couldn't attend e previous ones due to other commitments. Always enjoy myself during e session. bAsically we just eat, walk, eat .. n i be e one complaining la.. kekez.. i'm well-known for my complaints in walking long dist. After chinese lessons, we then went to Pizza Hut to eat with all our juniors. They are quite friendly ppl. kekez.. It is more of a hand-over session for HI Singapore 04. Think e guys gg to get bit busy with this upcoming project. haha.. it's lotsa effort. but if well done, u get lotsa satifaction. I'm guilty la.. cos i din put in much effort other than being e bus-mag doin lotsa "sai gang". everyone agrees that it will be a good bonding session la.. hey, our centre-heads spent lotsa effort fighting e case for u all k.. =)
we ate alot, waited mostly for e food la.. cos i think too many orders from 2 tables. later, we took a bus n train to bugis to this cafe called the The Secret Garden at Sculpture. As we were walkin towards e place, i was tellin Huijing that we r like walking to our fav place - Rochor Tao Huey (Beancurd). Karen was like " oo.. e wat as smooth as ..... - butt" haha.. as describe by KK. Anyway, tt place has a nice ambience. we sat outside where there is a glass partition to separate ur from e rest. The table is on e wooden platform. A good place for dating couple. As there are like 12 of us, we sat at e long white table as if we doing speed dating. haha..
then, ada (adrian) started askin all of us whether we are interested gg for holi after exams. He is organising one. First, they wanted Hong Kong, Taiwan, Thailand, Australia, Genting Highlands, Malaysia (Kelong), Europe.. I actually don mind Genting Highland cos it's within my budget though i gg Vietnam this Dec oso.. but then, angela wants to go overseas not nearby places .. ve e feeling that none will go leh.. hmm..i don know, cos there is like diff grp of ppl opting to go diff places. Budget is one main concern la.. probly we settle in Sentosa instead??!! haha.. I really look forward to our graduation vacation if we r gg .. e Farrago Graduation trip to anywhere.. perhaps Australia?.. anyway, we will all graduate at e same time..
hope today everyone will get a nice good rest.. =) haiz.. tml headin down to SAD .. FUND-RAISING!!! - my nightmare.. haha..
Friday, August 27, 2004
Nothing more can i say
feel alot alot alot better. din get to ve supper with sini but with qinlei n anxiang instead.. did a bit of shoppin. tryin out clothes at Bega at JE.. one, two, three.. etc. mix-match of tops n skirts.. e salesgal was like "how abt this skirt?" o ya, btw we can alter for ya?" me n qinlei were like non-chalent.. busy lookin at each other, commenting on each other's outfits. Retail is really a therapy! I must agree. so, in e end, i still parted my money on a purple top for my presentation for AB214.
Firstly, thank you to brenda n jac for ya SMS. Though it is only a msg, i am still grateful for tat. Thank you yiwen. Thank you Kahhui, Jiepeng, Anxiang for lending a listening ear. Thank you sharon for your advice. Thank you Huimei for ya advice or rather "food for thought" comment. Thank you Qinlei n Sini for accompanying me today. Thank you alot of others who pray for me during one of my darkest moments. Thank you all who patiently wait for me to open up.
I realise that good friends are hard for find. I so glad tt I've found u all. I may not be a good socialiser yet i know with u all, i ve almost everything. I may not be able to share all your troubles which i am guilty of. But, I am always there when u all need me. I also realise that i shouldn doubt on you ur ability/ willingness to listen to me when i need ya. I mean everyone does that.
I do admit that I am weak now. I shall stop deceiving myself. I need encouragement, empowerment, support from others. All this while, I ve been cutting out myself from e rest. I din want to interact, to talk, to socialise, i just want to go home. go home, i just want to sleep. in simply, i just want to isolate myself.
Now, i am not going to live like this.
There are two ways to live your life. One is though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Albert Einstein
It's chill out time!
feeling quite good this morn, decide to dress up abit, put on my dangling earrings haha.. wearing pants n my pink sleeveless blouse. I guess, it feels not bad to dress up once in a while. Saw yian on a bus this morning on my way to sch. we were talking about changing image again! Hmm.. just rebonded my hair.. haiz.. if not, I'm sure I will cut it short. N i mean real short n probly highlight. Sometimes, cutting hair is a form of de-stress leh.. i really enjoy gg to salon or rather cutting my hair. Just a brief history, I cut it once very short in 2000 cos i got rejected by this guy whom i confessed to. Right after that evening, "ta-da", here comes my new image. That's my way of letting out frustration. =) anyway, glad that everything is fine for her. If got anything, remember u still ve me k.. though i oso abit "duh" la.. but.. nvm..u ve my shoulders to cry on.. chey~
my mild cough still haven recover yet due to my indulgence in chocolates. Choc are powerful! they make u happy. n also probly, after i start talking to my "counsellors" yesterday evening n night. haha.. thxs KH n JP, i know we all having a hard time but still bother abt each other ya.. kekez.. gg to hav dinner cum supper cum coffee with sini later in e evening. I'm so happy. so happy. finally ve some life liao.. heez..
decide tt I'm gg to my driving lesson next wk. Hmm.. make myself very very busy .. so busy that i not gg to think so much, go online (MSN.. ) etc. which is my routine for e wk..
Thursday, August 26, 2004
what shld i be feelin?
"Happiness is when you don't start pursuing it".. This feeling just comes back. I call it the "JC" feeling. After idling or rather just busy for the past few days, I finally realise this. Unfortunately or rather fortunately this is only part of the whole "stupid thing." I don't know how to explain this. Everything seems to be a cycle. I guess i reach the "trough"pt again. Things have been good for the past 2 yrs .I guess this is to compensate the 2 yrs tt I ve been through. So, its fair. Whatever goes up, must come down. And each time you fall, you might jus fall down "heavier".
used to be preoccupied with lotsa stuff. Schoolwork, tuition, friends, friend*, n other miscellaneous stuffs. You never really find me staying at home the whole day during the past few months. Suddenly, something changed. you find it hard to change oso. I guess everyone feels this way. Anxiang yesterday call me n the first qn was "how r you? u okie?" hey thanks man! you save my "night"! =) kekez..ve a nice chat with him. And he was complaining to me abt his "mountain" of tutorials. It never pays to slack! hey buddy, just try to do whatever you can k? I'm sure with your capability, you are able to make it! 3 As 1 B student leh!
******************************************************************************
I know you* will read this. I realise that i ve a serious problem. And the problem is what i ve already foresee yet unable to react , meaning i din do what i stated out . I said sth like miscommunication.. we must say it out. Yet, i am the one who is unable to do so. sorry. thanks for your call. I appreciate it. I hope i be able to answer your call in a nicer tone e next time ... hope you are not affected by me. Guess you shld or rather having a nice time there ya? I am glad you are. *sincerely*
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
No privacy..
writing a blog is like writing a diary ya.. hmm.. for me, it is oso for me to express my feeling, my frustration etc.. I realise tat I keep to myself lately. Though that is so not me, even huimei trying to hint to me today. I don't know why. Everyone seems so busy doing something, schoolwork, tremendous amt of projects, bfs, readings, cca,work etc.. You feel so paiseh or rather bad asking them to listen to you oso. haiz.. Nonetheless, HM said sth that made me think.
H: don't you feel bad when she is the last to know? o.. and the reason is because you don't want her to worry?! That's a lousy reason right?
recently, having alot of negative thoughts. kekez.. but i managed to overcome it periodically. And i think i ve to stop reinforcing them myself. kekez.. struggle struggle.. I think I am sick of myself too *geez*. I'm sure those reading would also be. Well, this phase of life will soon be over.
O ya, btw another thing that cause me to feel sianz. is my classmates. Wah, they super hardworking leh. that day, I was sitting in tutorial, a gal beside me ask me a qn on the graph drawn on the board by our teacher. I was like hmm.. aah.. cause i wasn't paying attention to him. Haven been sleeping well over e past few days due to an irritating mosquito. Later, my fren ask my tutor n she is right at pointing out e mistake that my tutor made. Gosh! after lessons, my friend stay back to ask my tutor on last week tutorial!!!! Wah.. i haven touched my last wk tutorial since a wk ago lor!! feel extremely piss off with myself. Seriously, I find no fault in them being so hardworking la... just that when compared to them? jialat! jialat! *sigh*
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Failure~
kekez.. trying very hard to present properly this time. With limited time for preparation, only like 20 min, I had to speak in front of 20 people. I really want to say about the NDP Rally speech made by our PM Lee but when i stood there. SHITZ... I just stumped. Haiz.. nothing gg smoothly for me. Anyway, what i actually wanted to say but din, was actually emphasize by our tutor. Haiz.. such a failure right? Hmm.. given more time, i try harder next time.
still ve one more tutorial later at 230. Don't feel like doing any work, anyway, i oso din bring any work to do in school. Feel like talking but don't know who?.. haha.. past few days, din talk much or rather talk but reluctantly cause having sore throat. Now, feeling better just tt my voice sound muffled due to my nose block. Haiz..
LIfe so sianz.. w/o sini... no gossips! luckily saw yiwen n lili.. haha.. then.. went down to canteen for another coffee break. Old friends are always better.
Yeah.. finally pass my advanced theory. I want to thank that special someone who encourage me to press on though i really feel like giving up. Thank you Jiepeng for lending me the "precious" 10 yrs series.. w/o .. SURE FAIL! And also, yiwen hor.. cos of ur " I think by the time i graduate, u won't ve any license la!" motivate me too.. hope i soon join e club ya (which consists of yian, brenda, jac).. soon.. haha.. *x fingers*
Monday, August 23, 2004
The Eagle in the Sparrow
I look down and see the shadow of a sad, weak sparrow,
always straining against the wind,
and as the swirling sand bits its flesh
it struggles with all its might to find its wings
bent sharp against its weary burdened back.
I see this, my shadow, warped and twisted on the earth
and sorrow burns deep scars on my darkened hope within.
I have seen the glass and it is not that it is half empty
that brings such despair
Instead it is that the part that is poured out
is the nectar for which I long and need.
I cry within.
I do have a stop and the rose I smell but it is the wrong rose for sure.
I do have a soul and a spirit but they have long forgotten and know each other not.
As i squeeze my last blood red drop of courage
into the urgent flap of my wings
I am surely lost on the very course I have charted.
I am lost exactly where I have chosen to be.
Every landmark I plotted is here
and I am more lost than I am alive.
In this dark knowing i finally find my hope
in the pure truth that i have none at all.
I will never reach my destined place on this course
no matter the strain, the blood, the tears, the ripping of my soul,
as my wings are torn from the sad creature I have made myself.
And in this hopeless hope,
formed of ironic cleansing disdain,
I discover the wind.
Not just the wind but the wind within the wind.
I stop flapping, let go, and begin to float
shifting in the cool soft air of my life,
my true life yet unforged.
Everything is new and i glide, then soar,
effortlessly toward the heavens.
My wings embrace the sky and at last
my soul again knows my spirit.
The nectar is not in the glass
because it has already filled my heart
an the smelled rose is at once every rose.
I don't struggle and strain because now i live.
The sand and the wind share my ride,
brothers and sisters at my side,
stroking and embracing me.
I watch the whole world breathe pure beauty in and out.
My heavy weight evaporates with my sigh
and fill the clouds that stroke my hair.
I look down.
The sad sparrow shadow is no more.
i see only the large outstretched wings of an eagle
on the wind of all winds
for which it always belonged.
Charles C. Manz
Inspiring and motivating poem ya? At least this partly helps me out during my depression. kekez.. =) To all my friends, i am seriously all right now. =)
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Fever.. argh~
it's been exactly 6 mths n 1 week since i was sick. I can still remember. I was sick on Valentine's Day this year. Also, it started out from a bad sore throat then, leading to fever.
Hmm.. everytime, i know that i am going to get sick, i would drink lotsa lotsa water. However, normally it's too late to salvage e situation. This time, it works. Good for me. Or else, tink i die. Going to have tuition almost everyday this week. haiz..
wondering how r ya doin? heez.. must be very excited ya.. having a new school life, meeting new friends etc.. as for me? I am going to adapt to my "new" life too. =)
Saturday, August 21, 2004
0638
I din want to type this in e wee hours of e morning. I really did it. am proud of myself. emotionally n physically tired. all of us, including MY, me, qinlei, Chris (thanks alot alot), renjie (though he don't look like), and all of MY's friends. Everyone seems to be stoning in e BK at the airport. First time we just sat opp. each other, without talking not because we r angry with each other but suddenly we just so "stone". You look lost too.. too many friends huh..
Gal, you must be strong. Let our memories be your support in e future to come. He will be back less than a yr. Have faith .. don't cry. I know this will be over soon. I'm so sorry...be positive. Is there other methods to console myself?
J: eh, you okie anot?
K: okie la, I now as free as a bird..
Friday, August 20, 2004
Indescribable feeling..
First of all, a big thank you to all my friends out there. Thank you for asking how i am or giving me the support that i really need. I really really appreciate it. These few weeks have been bad. Though not totally "bad" at all times.
I never like telling you how much i adore you. Especially when you ask me. However, i must admit that ur feeling will never lie to you. After so many ups n downs, i learn to trust my feeling. I have say many things that have hurt ur feelings which i am really sorry about it.
I'll try to be strong tml. I try to hold back my tears. After tml, life still goes on. i hope our faith will bring us really far...
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
U must be tired!
I thought i would be busy e whole day yet i wasn't. I pon my class. A bit guilty but i have my reasons for doing so. I reached home at 4, took a little nap till 5 pm. Woah.. that was unbelievable! I never took "short" naps! Then, i walk back to my bedroom and lie for a while as i was still half an hour early before my 1st session of tuition. Seriously, I never feel so tired (not this year). Imagine, my head keeps knocking off e bolster cause i try very hard to stay awake fearing tt if i sleep, nth i mean nth will wake me up! That would be cost me $24! Expensive nap ya?!
i was thinking. Is it very unreasonable to jus icq each other before we sleep? Though ur day will become my night and vice-versa. I am thinking too much.
Thank you for writing about me on ur blog. Kekez.. I was pleasantly surprised. To quote :
in you, i found out who i am and realised how much more imperfections in me. compared to you, i sometimes i find myself really unreasonable and childish when i'm actually older than you.
kekez... In you, I really discover what i really want or rather what i really don't like. I learn to rediscover my passion esp reading after going to bookshops, library. I'm still at e amateur stage. Hope we continue to discover more about one another or rather about ourselves.
p.s. to fall in love over n over again! =)
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
A wAlk tO rEmeMbEr
It will be e last time we walk along e path full of gravels n sand. I can still remember e day when we ran on same track. 5 KM!! I can still remember. "You can give up anytime but Y GIVE UP NOW?!!" kekez.. I think i always remember that. This phrase nv fails to motivate me.
E canteen A jap food is nice though not extremely delicious la.. but.. compared to other stalls. Yes, it is. but, i simply hate e long queue esp. durin my only lunch break at 1230. "i don't ve many breaks you know!"
If we have e time, my mum would surely want you to come my hse for dinner. =) Too bad, time is running out! How i wish you could probly stay for 1 more wk ya.. Haiz.. on e other hand, i hope u don't.
3,2,1 more days to go...
Monday, August 16, 2004
tUiTIOn
have been giving tuition since june 2003.. Seriously, if i manage to graduate without taking any allowance. I am greatly indebted to e tuitees' parents. thank you so much for giving me tis insignificant (to u) yet precious amt of $ (allowance) though i work quite hard for it ( as a result my grades suffer etc..) haha..it's just an excuse! I am so damn proud of myself ya =P
However, e problem with tuition is that you not only ve to "drag" yourself to e hse esp if your student lives damn far from yours. about 35 min ride. But e whole "tuition" will take like 3 hrs.. after tt you feel terribly drained. To me, e most difficult part is to arrange your timetable due to your restricted "freedom hours". I'm like a metal being pulled by two "extreme" poles of e magnet. ARGH~
Of course, you are free to change e timing of ur tuition. Then, e opportunity cost would be e loss in income. and this mean you ve dis-save? AGAIN? haiz..
life pretty hard for me esp tis wk. Deep down, i want to spend more time with him yet I cant. I ve many things waiting for me.. it's accumulating! How i wish tis wk will pass very fast? Why does it ve to drag so long? i really hate tis lingering "heartache".
any positive thoughts? I cant seem to tink of any now..
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Re- Enactment - Thank you
I only saw this word "Re-enactment" in Crime Watch. That's what i did on Saturday though not exactly la.. Green T-shirt paired with a blue jeans n a black shoes.. That's wat he wore. Me?. Same jeans with a Orange halter.. Haiz. din want to expose my weakness u know?! Anyway, that's not e main pt.
At Sakae Sushi, we started eating plates n plates of sushi.. nothing special about e food. Then, as usual i started babbling non stop.. He just sat there listening patiently.. Actually, I do write blog u know but just in different way? whenever i start to talk bout my daily life, my cca, my friends.. it's as though I'm writing a blog but jus verbally la..
After e food, we just walk to East Coast Park. The place was breezy. The chalets were all crowded.. I know it's e last time we walk along that path. Well, not in e next 10 mths or so..
This time, the "setting" has changed. We talk alot, mostly about e past? Future? kekez..
I din feel particularly sad. Neither do i feel exactly happy. jus okie lor.haha..
I thought "you" would give me something i thought i was going to get cause i gave you a "faint" hint! Probly my hint isnt obvious ya. Thanks alot! *I really like it* I hope you really like e wallet. haiz.. too bad it doesn have a "photo pocket"! sigh~ haha.
Happy 6 mths anniversary!
Friday, August 13, 2004
Money issues
Money.Why do we always fret about money?? I admit tt i do. When your bank account jus show u some amt which u can stare n be shocked.. tt's y i never like to get a receipt. It just reminds you of e pain n agony of ur depleting saving acc. Where do i spend on? How come i nv ask myself when i indulge in my retail therapy? Hmm.. tt needs to be reconsidered.
Okie.. e only consolation i can give is.. Money can be re-earned? Don't worry. Haha.. it's easier to say than done.
Had a good laugh just now over a simple dinner with my gal-frens n him. kind of isolate him, feel guilty.. but gals are always like tt wat! Sorry k =P It's been quite some time since i laugh like tt. Kind of "release" for me.
I am going to get better n better each day, Krystal!
Thursday, August 12, 2004
The Village
something different.Nice or rather interesting plot..Seldom watch movies but.. not for e past 6 or rather 8 mths.. watch plenty of them. It just feels different when you are watching with someone who really enjoys watching movies. kekez..
Hmm.. i simply cannot remember one of e lines which Ivy Walker had said but i thought tt simply strike a chord with me.
I haven really gotten out of it. But, it's getting better *i hope*. Have to change my way of thinking. Recently, i mean probably jus a couple hours ago, I was thinking tt I'm really crazy. Jus treat him like a friend n it wld probably min. e "pain". No one will understand how i feel.
Negative ya? Never in my life ve i felt so negative abt something. This is jus not me lor!
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
runnin about..
haha.. here to write something about my daily life.. it's another Wed.. a day..i ve to rush 2 straight sessions of tuition which i really hate it.. sometimes .. I am really very tired.. keep dozing off while in e bus n MRT.. Oops.. i know. is disturbing to ve someone.. keep "banging" on ur shoulders.. kekez..
these 2 days.. ve some many discussions.. one after another.. miss my lunch again. ! but, luckily my kind lecturer.. gave us 20 min break.. allowin me to grab sausage muffin.. yummy!! =P
ve a premonition tt i fail my adv drivin test.. haiz.. i always had to "hug e buddha's leg".. WHY!!!!
kekez. nvm.. it's okie to fail.. don feel like takin anyway... sigh.. but not for...
Darkness falls .. i hope i won't do "it" again.. =>
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
aS uSuAl nOTHinG sPeCIal
School as usual.. tutorials .. i quite like them.. always learnin new stuffs though i was never e smart n diligent type..i mean those really really dilligent type.. kekez.. managed to do 3 qns out of 4 but still WRONG but good effort! i always.. manage to get at least one or rather a part of e qn right.. which i am already.. quite proud of myself.. "Yeah.. at least i got e Equation right! Smart gal!" thinkin to myself.. *grinz*
First time in school.. I'm so "Busy" that i work from 6 am to 5 w/o takin my lunch or anything.. Superwoman yeah?.. don feel hungry actally.. Argh~ Dieting.. Chey!?
Think i am gettin so used to msgin him every now n then.. must stop tis habit.. well, I cant choose, can I? not to quit tis habit? =<