Monday, October 25, 2004
A day with my dad
I was awake by 4 am. replacing my mum. as Bus auntie. The whole morning i was shuffling between Bukit Timah n Farrer Road. Fetchin e kids. Those kids.. unbelievable. I thought i don mix well with them. I normally make them cry. But, it turned out pretty well. The whole morning i was talkin very sweetly.. *duh* Talkin almost like a 5 yr old kid. Trying to integrate into their world of communication. The oldest only 4 yr. The youngest 2 years old. and they already started Pre-school at Montessorri.. forgot how to spell.
O ya. Went to Bukit Timah. Dad was pointing out to me.. where all e ministers live.. big bungalows. Couldn c quite clearly. anyway, they are equally magnificent n huge. With police or guards standing in front.
I notice one thing. The kids really like schooling. The moment they step out of the class. They will ve this smile on their face. I nv had that when i walk out of NTU. hmm.. wat's wrong with e sch! Heck!
Haiz.. being a bus auntie cum.. nanny.. helpin them to take off their shoes.. carry them.. up n down e bus... heavy though.. for me.. hahah..
Something to ponder. How i wish i am 18 yrs back .. haha.. no worry. Jus eat, play, school, eat n sleep.
After doin a half day job, i know it isn't ez being a bus auntie. But, lookin at e adorable kids.. haiz.. suddenly a flash of thought. How i wish i get married n ve one soon. haha.. they are really very adorable.... very innocent.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
another milestone
just let me cry in front of e screen for e last time as i type tis entry.
as we walk to East Coast, we both heading the same direction, thinkin tt we shld try out. No matter what happen. In e end, we did.
"you nv date before?" yes. I nodded. "why".I was afraid of being hurt. I am so protective of myself. Yet, i gave u completely when i was with u.
Everytime, we get into fight when I say sth that u won't tt happy. Think i now understand how you feel. I took that for granted i guess. Yet, i treasure you.
I always tell u.. I may not be the best galfren .. u can always find someone better. U din want to reply me. Everytime, when we talk on the phone, i tend to say things that are hurtful. yet, u had to bear with me.
i am really convinced by u. That we will have a future. We are optimistic. Rather. I always tell u that no one knows what will happen in future. But, you don't believe.
I told u i don want any promises or assurances. yet, u gave me. Yet...
*********************************************
I don't want to blame u. I don't want to think of what u told me in the past. It can be so hurtful. Till now, I don't know what happened. convince myself that u nv love me. I am only someone who accompany u when u ve "whole lots of time" while.. i have to struggle to spend time among u, studies, tuition, family n frens, cca at tt time .......
i guess i ve alot to learn. Perhaps i din do enough.
What if.. what if..... there is none.
On tt tragic day, I had to rush to places.. ve meeting everywhere.. till 10 pm plus.. ve to cry on Sini's shoulder until.. i had no choice but to brush my tears aside when i meet the T-shirt gal. At night, i had to meet Dom n Serene, i couldn pay attention to what they were sayin.. i had to msg Huijing to help me listen. while, Dom fetch me home and counsel me.
"you must set a deadline, where its time to pick urself up". Pick up e torn pieces.. my confidence is seriously low. keep thinkin if we will patch up.. .. I know tt i am foolish to think tt way.
Through tis, I realise how much my frens n family means to me. It make me realise how much my mum loves me. It's the first time that i told her i love her. That, i promise her that I will be strong. though.. my heart is breakin.
It's always e one closest to u who hurt u most.
Useless to say anything. Waiting for time to heal me. Relyin on my frens when i need extra support.
Actually, i din want to write this. I din want to do bloggin. Cos, nth i write will ever describe e feelings I am going through.
perhaps, we r just not meant to be. We met at the wrong time. It's no one's fault. Don't ever say sorry to me.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Thank you.
thank you for e memory tt u ve given me.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
remedy
i don know if this is useful. But, think it helps abit.
it is always to feel painful n sad when u think how much u ve lose. or when u think how bleak is ur future.
As i was reading a newspaper jus now, sth strike me. Suddenly, i feel a tinge of happiness. happy for someone. I know tt everything is worthwhile if it makes him happy. I'm not being generous. really, i really feel happy at least for a few seconds. whatever e outcome, if he is happy. I'll be happy for him.
feeling better
today. same. attend lect. was pretty early e first time. though still later than e rest.
bit sians.. cos huimei fly me kite. I know she don mean it but.. i very sianz la.. was already very sianz..
so, decided to eat lunch with wencai and rong ge Long john silver. I ate abit. I think this is e most heavy meal i ve eat for e past 3 days. though i ate like only 2 pieces of chicken, few sips of coke and e coleslaw. They were laughing at me.. say i eat like a hamster. sorry la. ate very little for e past few days.. so can't gorge so much. gg jogging later.. since.. bit sinful...
pretty happy with myself. think i lost abit of weight. haha.. well, at least tt is bit of consolation for me. Pretty dazed in lec oso. thoughts floating.. mixture of the what was being taught n my own stuffs. wencai was askin y i so sad? deep in thoughts. yeah..
met guowei in e morn. "why u look so tired?" haha.. i'm quite surprised he said tt. cos i slept very early yesterday. from 6 in e evening to e next morning.
nah.. not really. I woke up at 10 plus. went back to bed at abt 11 plus.. toss n turn.. think i finally slept at ard 1 am.. but I'm quite awake la..
**********************************************
probably.. time is up. my good times r over. I know that what i ve been thru is a bonus tt i wldn't ve if not for Ql. I should be glad. I know that "it" is taking back .. it's time for me to return it..
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Wake up call
was bit crippled today.. due to a sore on my feet. I also don't know what happen.
suddenly, don't know what to write. I din wan to switch on my computer. I ve a phobia of com now. haha.. but i know, there is things for me to settle.
I am really a sore loser n a bad lover.
Hav you ever experience of being with someone who always has to be with others or who feels depleted and nervous when alone, you could, even unconsciously, be using others -feeding off their energy and their vitality.
Detaching with love doesn't mean distancing from another. One can care, listen, and respond to other's complaint and felings, but not try to remove or fix it.
Setting others free, thereby becoming free ourselves, is called detaching with love.
If i need someone to make me happy then i fall into manipulation and control - this is not loving another but using another. Happiness must come from inside out, not from w/o.
Pain comes with love. Pain is really a sign of our loving and expresses how much we care. It is impossible to love safely - love make us vulnerable.
To be able to endure difficult times, calls for a strength of character much to be desired. The more mature the love, friends like patience, trust, tolerance, an inner knowing that love undergirds all life no matter how bleak the mement appears.
Many relationships which we call loving often are only confusions of love - confusions with sentimental impulses, or dependency needs, or our desire to dominate others for our own ends.
Being mindful. when we feel tired or angry or fearful, it is not necessary to understand why. Insisiting it will lead to futile mental suppositions, we may or may not end up with e truth. In our desperation to know e truth, we close down, to be alert, to stop focusing on love.
Patience need to be laced with courage. If we ask for help and patiently trust, e courage will come to keep traveling the road of love to the land of wisdom.
~excerpt from a book
crying won't lead to any where. I am just fearful. coming to terms with my loss. Unwilling to accept what is actually happening. Refusing to accept e truth.
I hope i'm given a chance to start out again. amidst all uncertainties...
or do i choose to let go? Unwillingly. . .
from today onwards.
dear friends, i apologise if these few days i might break down and cry. it wasn my intention. I hope i won also.
from today onwards, i will brave new things. Things that are wonderful to me. I will still cry but i will try to control. I tell myself that I must be strong from tml. I will lead my life as usual. I will not think too much. Cos its beyond my control. I will be independent. I will need to put things b4 my feelings. I need to zhen zhuo qi lai. When i say this, i will make this happen. By hook or by crook.
I have done all i could. I hope i ve not miss out anything. I have no regrets. Others.. i leave it to Fate.
dearest god, i plea u to give me e strength .. i seriously need it. I hope i get sth nice to eat tml. must improve my appetite.. haven eaten all day. *now i know how its like.. though i am too hungry to feel hungry* keke..
Monday, October 11, 2004
insomia
cant sleep e whole night. has thousands n one thoughts running in my head. I cant afford to be negative. seems like only I'm e one with faith. kekez..
been stressing you. Torturous huh? i know. I always thought i'm prepared for tt day to come. Though not so soon. Everynight i pray tt next june will come. Or at least this yr will past soon. I thought i am well prepared.. well, it turns out tt I am scared. Thanks for telling me all those. Indeed, probably won help much but make me understand u better. Make me understand e whole situation. Love is never smoothsailing. It isn a bed of roses esp L-D relationship.
Can i still do sth to salvage it? Do we still want to hold on to what we believe? Change. It's scary. Terrifying. I don dare to think about it. Yet, i must prepare myself for e worst case.
Time will heal. I need assurance. Yet, i cant expect. I must be patient.
I must look on e brighter side.
weighin me down
i cant help it. The whole of today is terrible. I cant seem to think to refocus. Trying very hard to console myself. Everything is going to be all right. seem worse when he refuse to respond to me. It's so bad meh?
argh~ telling myself that its okie. its okie. u can take it. u can take e worst case after all. I am the ultimate now.
stupid toe still haven recover. think i sprain it.. while i ran for my bus wearing a "sandles" - oops i forgot how to spell last sat. painful.
however, nth beats e pain that i'm having now. couldn eat *saida.. shit.. i don't know y but i feel so full.. " .. think i feel very tired tonight.
please.. ....................................................................................................................
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Paranoid
article i read from today newspaper.. talking abt. ppl who likes to catch other's weaknesses or rather "pick a stone from e eggs" - chinese translation.. yup. tt's e correct phrase.
In this article, e author talks about a couple.. as e gal always feel insecure .. so whenever her boyfriend do anything funny or different, she seems to be overly paranoid. ..
她很注意我，如果我写任何让她觉得不顺心的话，她就会发动攻击性的信。
一个处处只想找渣的人，无法看到宽阔的蓝天，只能永远低头寻找别人丑陋的阴影， 心里很残缺，很难教人打从心理喜欢她 － 不快乐是他攻击你的代价。
遇到这种人，要懂得忍，你越气，她越有成就感，越回应只会越演越烈。
this sounds so much like someone.. haha.
Friday, October 08, 2004
damn lunch
bought this "sardine bread" supposely.. pondering.. shld i take bread again. NO CARBO for me .. so i bought a fruit juice too. kiwi n papaya. The mixture was very disgusting.. brownie.. with lotsa of particles inside floating. But, i still drink it. The more i drink, the more disgusting i find. i won get this again.
In e end, my lunch consist of a few sips of e "brown precipitate - drink" n half of the "sardine" which turns out to be e kind "popiah inside" tt kind la.. turnip.. they call it. anyway, i ate a few mouth of it also. was busy munching it b4.. hiding myself in e library. yucks..
haiz.. want to ve a proper meal oso cannot. IN e morning, my mum still remind me to finish e overnight veg.. i know i like veg. but, can i ve different food anot?.. sianz.. go home.. also not much better. tink my last night supper better.. rojak. e beancurd inside got cucumber n tao gay.. nice nice.. with e sauce. Hope i can ve sth better.. haiz..
running? perhaps.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
enjoying
had an early rest yesterday. slept at 1030pm. Woke up at 8. then, i lie on bed till 830. decided to go for another run again. it was damn hot. this time, i din ran as far cos it was blazing hot. n cos.. i had biological prob. nonetheless, i am proud to declare that i ran for 3.5 km.
i wanted to talk about my lecturer esp my monetary lecturer. He is from Hong Kong. well, many times he try to tell ur some jokes but he failed. However, i think he is a good lecturer. he force us to think in class to participate in class by callin names. But, 1 thing i don really like or rather find him very peculiar. He likes to do things his own way, own style. One extra step to him is unnecessary. He just reminds me of myself. Many a times, I am very stubborn too. I do things that i am used to. There is this time, my student ask me abt solving e simultaneous eqn. He ask me if he could use "m" and "y". I said NO. He then asked Y not? I say use "X" n "Y" only. however, i agree to let him use watever he likes.. but reluctantly.
die die. gg to get my engine started soon. Tot i ve e whole of sunday to myself. Seems like impossible. I ve a terp interview at 5. buddy askin me out. i wanna study. i need to do my report. I want to read a book. - my Textbook.
hey. thanks gal. I will remind myself. I will repeat tt in my head.. a hundred times. kke.. now, i try to say tt.. everyday. Love is a pleasurable pain.. sure it is. in e end, i am still ended up in this shit. haha.. *mocking at myself*
mistaken~
Noisy Silly . I'm wrong. keke.. told u i think too far liao. dM got gf. today then i know. haha.. cant help laughing. it seems take older guys treat the "young" very well hor. Just like KK n aaron. probly they r older, so tend to look after we young kid .. cos.. we too ignorance? jus notice that. y huh? keke.. nvm. good to know.
o ya. I realise.. TJ guys have sth in common. I don't know what. suddenly, i know alot of TJ guys? but still countable with my ten fingers. Gary, Dm, david, cai ge, lawrence n who huh? forgot liao.. anyway. ya find them all very hardworking. Very. is the word. other then cai ge la.. who is like.. crazy in bettin. but stil in dean's list leh.. everytime u don't know. u know who to ask. keke.. jus writing.. for e sake of writing.. b4 i forget.
time to do my report. haiz.. got 2 quizzes coming. 2 presentation, 1 post-test, 1 proj.. all ends b4 31 oct. finally, i can say goodbye to him. my guan yan. really hope u do well in ur PSLE. hope u will start thinkin for yourself. Cos u ve to face this cruel world. even if i not ard, u ve to study ya. cos, if u don, then no one can force u. *u just ve to be ruthless in gettin ur grades* - right now, i am facing the situation like him. Funny though, cos i'm too old to start playin truant ..
Monday, October 04, 2004
a whole day
havin driving earlier in e noon. nth much. my car die once. able to chat with my instructor yet drive quite smoothly. haha. JP u r right. Once u get my instructor to start on e topic on "bettin" wah.. he won stop talking about it. garang man! u ask me play with like few hundreds dollars? i won do it.
Today, my instructor say sth that make me ponder. He was tellin me that 4 yrs ago, a student from CSS (top student in the cohort) died while crossing the road. *he was pointing to me the exact location* He died on e spot w/o seein his achievement - 8 As. It is a pity. I remember him cos i remember praying for him for a few nights. It's his destiny. Fated.
Really, i believe no one knows what happen next. It suddenly occurs to me that y think so far? I may just die tml. why get myself so uptight, so emotional ? however, its not that i din think of what i already ve. But, i guess the devil is too powerful. The anger inside me just overwhelmed me totally.
Before driving, i went to Popular to c c look look. I cant believe that i actually look at Anger Management book. I never thought i need that. I thought i need sth like how to handle sadness, how to manage failure.. etc.. My EQ is getting lower n lower nowadays. Need some help from Kk or Sini since its their GE subject.
Got a nice quote: Faith is a confident assurance of wat is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. *something like that*
I cannot change what i ve written. or rather how i really feel. This blog doesn mean to hurt anyone. Other than confidin in it, i ve no whr to say how i really feels. Cause ultimately I will e only one who understands it. I think I'm pretty much calm down now. If this gets serious, i guess i be visiting a doc n a dentist soon. My toothache is coming back again.I will nv forget tt achness that i had 2 yrs back. It is super super painful. U can feel ur nerves aching too. It's tt bad. damn it.
Disclaimer: don read if it hurts.
btw i ran leh. 4 Km. wah.. run till ve blister. sianz.. was screamin in bathrm jus now cos e wound hurts. shitz. i know liao. Next time, i angry n if e weather willin to corporate, then, i go run when i am feelin down.
pls b rational..
From my yellow book:
god. Please grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
feelin very brainless yesterday. feeling unreasonable yesterday. feeling very angry yesterday. what do i ve to gain after feeling so brainless, irrational, angry? jus discomforting thoughts and feelings.
thanks sini. having to call u at e wee hrs of the night. I'm really sorry. keke.. u really makes my "night". I had a nice sleep. thanks to DC too. having to play games with me to cheer me up despite rushing to do ur ppt for ur presentation tml. they work la. though i nv like playing games. but, good to use my brain to play checkers. i know u purposely let me win one.Cause i was already quite sleepy when i play halfway through. =P
I don't want to feel like that again. It has make me a less better person. a petite gal with so much unhappiness. a grouchy face. ugly gal. why cant i take things in my stride?
sini, one thing u r right. I shld ve focus on other possiblities. Reasons for his actn. stop being angry when u don even know what happen. probly he din mean it. .... etc.
I guess i ve stop loving him. Cause i no longer ve the patience, understanding.. (e whole definition of love) that i once had. All this has turned into a ugly situation.
From my yellow book:
there is only one thing more painful than learning from experience and that is not learning from experience.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Remember last thur
someone made a damn promise. broke it again! I know i nv keep to my promise. Suddenly it just seems that everything single thing that she said turns out to be so untrue. Nites when she said if u don try to maintain this, you wont be able to carry on this rltship. whatever. U just prove to me that i am absolutely right. I cant help but feel so stupid of me to think that it is true. or rather think she won cheat me. Even if she does, i won't feel the pain. I thought i din care. I thought i thought. No email , nothing. Everything is bullshit. I cant help feeling e anger burnin inside me. while i was holdin e line, i was shakin. shakin with anger.
thought i can write sth good tonight. was about to say that everytime i go Yep is like a healing session. Probly they just make u think so much that u forget everything that u ve been thinkin for the past few days. why why? why is it so hard to get a call from u? why must u promise me when u din want to make that promise? are u takin revenge on me? anyway u succeed. Congrats! U won. Happy?
din want to write anything. No mood le.
a joke..
o ya. On sat itself, as usual went for Farrago. very funny. Gary was revising the lesson. And a student is suppose to translate eng to chi sentences. the eng sentence goes like that. "I have a younger brother" - " wo you yi tiao di di" instead of " wo you yi ge di di".. I tell u. I really laugh like mad. i din meant to think that way but .. anyway i did. so .. i was like. I mean Gary should hav write " i have a younger sister" then, not so bad.. even if e student translate wrongly. i had a good laugh though.
Before gg for Farrago, was shoppin alone at Bugis. Thought i was still early mah. So, i went in to this accessories shop. I saw this earring. Very nice. Very unique. But the price is.. erm.. i din want to spend 1/6 of wat i earn this wkend on it. so..i din buy. though i think e salesgal service quite good. However, jus because i really wear very casual. Black T-shirt and a 3/4 pants. i think i tie up my hair as well. the whole image look very unkempt oso la. she was tellin me how the earring which i took initially doesn suit me. Very mature she kept emphasizing. True la. But, i also not very young leh. anyway. i left w/o buyin anything after standing there for like 15 min wondering shld i reward myself. in e end, i was late for Farrago. Given a warning though! i won do it next time. I promise!
wishin i am single ..
b4 gg off for my YEP meeting .. leaving home soon. jus read Jac blog. Wah.. nice to be single n happy. Isn tt what 20 yrs old suppose to be ? can do whatever w/o any worries other than sch, frens. i really wish i am single now. No worry. No unnecessary worries. I had to meditate before i can put myself to sleep last night. Stop myself from all those sneezing n nose block and etc..
really having a bad pre-mentrual period. argh~
hope i return home less tired. it's all coming to an end soon.
not tryin to earn any pity.
Thanks gals. I'm crazy. I know that i can count on u. But, i don't know how to put my feelings into words. I have alot of things to do. I am tired. I know u all are bz too. With wat hell of Master Budget n stuffs. I am glad that i've cleared most things. Though my work still piling.
If and i say if. If i am really really really bz with work or rather having test e next day, will i sacrifice it for someone if he or she needs it? A friend. I don know. But, I know that i try my 90% of what i can to be there for him/ her.
something must have trigger it. i don know what.
talk abt sth else. I just watch New Police STory by Jackie Chan. alot of ppl say it was nice. Indeed, it was very nice. it was funny. We went to Shaw Tower to watch when we found out that Suntec ve no more seats le. wah. it's been 1 mth plus since i watch any movie. Must sleep early tonight. Gg to be bz from 9 to 930 at night.
So bz.. also don know bz what. Jus tryin to fill up my time leaving with no time to think of anything more. My case isn't serious after all. What are u sad about?
Friday, October 01, 2004
Neutralisin..
tellin myself to not think so much. Tellin myself that i shouldn hurt him. Tellin myself not to be implusive. Tellin myself to restrain. Tellin myself that no one can make me happy except myself. tellin myself that i be able to pull through this. Tellin myself not to be stupid. Tellin myself not to expect. Tellin myself to be strong. Tellin myself nv to go visit "thr" again. Askin myself y am i feelin like this again? Askin myself .. if anything is wrong somewhr? Askin myself am i making a big fuss over nth? Askin myself am i being too sensitive? Askin myself if i askin too much?
Shld i just keep to myself? This is bad. Hate it.