Thursday, March 31, 2005
Ended.
There was no beginning actually. I was feeling really cranky last morning. So, I did something on impulse. Actually, it was already on my mind for quite some time. So, i took my courage and just went on. I supposed all has come to an end. I am glad. I am relieved actually.
I know that I am just lookin for a "substitute". And this is just temporarily. somehow, my conscience was pricked everytime i do something silly and incomprehensible. Still, to me. I try not to take life too seriously but.. somehow my emotions got into me. STill, I am human after all.
Well, it was a lesson well learnt. Or rather, it is a interesting encounter. I am just going to move on.
Had a nice rest after a day of swimming/tanning. It was hot. .. life's good.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Tuesday with Morrie?
This is a good book. I still think it is. It seems like the whole world is reading. One of the bestsellers other than Da Vinci Code.. when people started talking about how nice is the book.. how inspiring is the book.. how it makes you realise how blessed you are. .. blah blah..
Everytime I hear anyone talking about the book.. I will just cringe. Cringe at e thought of the person who introduces this book to me. Well.. I've read so many self-help books.. it tells you almost the same thing.. however. to practise what was being taught is another matter. I just feel that.. people who likes reading self help book.. tend to search for "their answer" in e book. They know that they will feel better when they look at "worse" cases.. so that.. they feel relieved.. or rather consoled that they are not the WORST.
Or rather some really read for self improvement. Hmm.. talking about this.. jus makes me mad. haha.. Cos.. no matter how many self-help book you read.. WILL NOT MAKE YOU ANY BETTER OVERNIGHT. The key word is "OVERNIGHT". It will not make you a better person. So.. though i like to read. ok I admit it. I am still sceptical about the self-improvement thing. Someone once told me that "This book really teaches you the meaning of life.. how to appreciate. some things in life.. " Yet.. sometimes.. the things that he /she does.. shows otherwise. Hmm.. LIfe so contradicting.
I just finished a book named The Hazards of Sleeping Alone. It is a nice book. Tellin you how to live at the moment. .. something about Being Mindful. Being aware of what's going on in your life. How to take charge of your life.
One thing to apologise. Sorry Wencai for making you drive me from AYE to the east n back to Tuas.. haha.. i am really a road direction idiot. Hmm.. though i really enjoy e drive.. shh... =P It din make me puke la..
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Hey gal. U alright?
Went for KTV on Good Friday. It was fun. It was hilarious. Just tt e K-lunch was bad only. Me n Sini.. was like .. damn hungry lo... Too hungry to sing.
I knew this would happen la. Knew it. Damn it. I really hate this "feeling". I do miss something/ someone. Yet, I can't show it out. I can't express it. I can't let anyone know. So.. i can only blog about it. Sad huh..
feel like cursing u. Feel like. Damn.. I think. no matter how many "damn" .. I'm not going to feel good. I really feel like doing one thing.. but.. I don't dare. Hmm.. Why not? .. actually.. I don't feel like.. saying things.. that i might regret.. so.. i tot.. there is a better time for it. AFter exams?.. argh~
there is this thing.. clinging on u.. U may not think of it.. but.. it is just there.
Feel like giving up. argh~ think too much.
I really think.. I am too free. I need something to occupy myself.. occupy my wandering thoughts.
Maybe a swim. I am really being tied down. Trying to free myself..
Thursday, March 24, 2005
NOt in good mood
All thanks to my PMS. Alot of things going through my head. Feeling so damn lonely.. damn uncomfortable.. so unloved. hmm.. why am i feeling this way again huh?.. seem like e old feeling sank in again. Damn..
I really hope.. this won persist too long. Hmmm.. must be PMS la.. i really hope so. Wanted to call you but decided that i shouldn't. I must not. haha..
Yesterday was all right. Today.. saw KK's nick on MSN. "Memories flash back.. I am once again beaten by past memories". Hey.. i can totally understand. Totally. I am worried.. worried that i may end up like you. But, i know i can't allow myself to sink into self-pity. I have to climb out. I know that everyday is a brand new day. A day to look forward to.
I just don't know.. how lucky i am. How lucky i am to be able to live healthy.. enjoying the things.. that many take for granted. I need abit of serenity.
I just need some peace. A book. A jog probably.
Monday, March 21, 2005
That is how small a cuchi hole is! 
Miscommunication
Why do i always misread a phrase or a word or a simple sms? hmm.. this is not the first time. Hmm.. so what does it says.. U / Me? haiz..
I really like my Financial Econs tutor.. hha.. today.. was suppose to present a question .. but then.. did wrongly.. cos i use the wrong formula.. in e end.. Wencai help me do 2/3 parts.. n i finish up e last part.. ( to show that i can do.. ).. haha.. sorry.. for making e rest of the class to wait for me.. =P
Tomoro.. gg to register for my phrase 3 attachment. Haiz.. gg a feeling that i go into round 2.. since.. i have only 2 choices.. and like 30 ppl competing for only 2 positions. Forget it la. hor..
Still.i will just try my luck... yeah..i ve tue n fri off... must make use of my time ya.. tt means.. my wed n thur .. is damn packed.. !
Okie.. i am going back to my options, futures and forwards.. sianz.. I like my tutors for this sem! Thanks for making my day!
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Marketing students
I am not saying that they are not good. It's funny. I always work with marketing students in my modules (compulsory business modules). I took Business Communication last sem with a group of marketing students and this sem, i took my Research Methods with them (diff people).
In fact, they are so proficient in their marketing modules.. at least better than me. Cause i really hate "MARKETING". Then.. i don't know why. The assignments that my tutors give are always on marketing for both BC and RM. Whenever we have discussion.. the marketing students always like to talk so much so much about the marketing tools .. SWOT.. promotional tools.. etc. Hmm.. i really think that.. the question is really not about "MARKETING" la.. aiya. .. I think I am just a weak follower la.. If I'm not tired.. i will try to bring them back on track. If I am.. then.. Whatever la.. sometimes.. they really overly indulge or i say engross in their marketing thingy..
*I am not pissed k.. =P*
Just piss at myself for not getting my ideas across...
Hey.. alot of people praise the sling bag.. which he bought. haha.. i don't know whether to feel happy or sad.. I think at least 10 ppl tell me that it's nice.. cool. .. haha.. ok.. good taste then.. That is the only thing that is left.. It's nearing to expiration date..
Then.. some more, Angela told me yesterday.. tt my ex is good looking. Bren and Jac say tt before also. You know what, i go back think about it. Eh.. I must say.. he looks boyish.. hmm. . really not bad looking la.. haha. how come last time i din't notice? Haiz.. such a waste huh.. *stabbing*
okok.. enough of that. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Laziness CreEpIng..
I can really feel it. My legs ache whenever i want to go for a run. I always wake up at 740 am. Not very late for a run but.. then.. also not very early as the sun starts to get blazing hot.. Then, I will shrug.. n think.. hmm.. maybe TOMORO? haaha.. that is what going thru my mind nowadays.
Still, i just drag myself.. despite my "still" aching abdominal and lazy legs.. I always remember a phrase which i read from a Health Magazine. "If you think is important to you, you will put you mind and make sure you do it". I was a health freak several months ago. AFter coming back from Vietnam, haha..i am slacker. I work hard but I "eat" harder.. haha.. meaning i snack ..
I hope this exam period will pull me back to the "normal" routine of eating. I am still craving for my Tutu kueh. hahah....
It's really hard to detach yourself from something which become a part of you. I hope it has not sink in yet. It is a pleasant feeling .. sth to look forward to everyday.. each wk. every night actually..
However, no matter how i try to think, I still cant figure out the underlying motive. I don't want to think about it now. I just to study hard for my exams. I leave it till exams over. The coming 2 weeks is going to be a challenge to me... Craving for.. ****
hmm.. so sad. Rong ge forbid me to call him that name. Ok lo. =( You always be my brother.
Monday, March 14, 2005
...
Yesterday, i try to calm myself down.. had a sound sleep after a gym session with sini and yiwen. It was tiring la. I had to lie to my buddy that i was studying the whole day though i went out with my gal frens. sorry dude.
I did some soul-searching while having dinner with my gals. I realise that I was indeed carrying too far. My feelings. I allow my emotions to take full control me. Haiz...
When i reached home, I took a bath. That was simply relaxing and cooling. Then, i lay on my bed and started reading story book. Almost fall asleep ya.. I was waiting for something.. then.. I tell myself that NO POINT WAITING. So, i read my textbook .. *flip thru a few pages*.. then Lights Off. ..
I realise that during my "healing" period, I read alot alot of books that ranges from english to chinese books. From fiction to non-fiction. Thus, whenever i feel troubled, i will just bury myself in the books. In this way, I no longer think so much. It is a kind of spiritual healing for me or rather for my soul.
Exercise is also an option. My abdominal is aching now. Wah.. Gym really works huh.. I still hope to lose 2 more kg.. sigh~
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Dean list calibre?
Finally, I notice sth about him. My friend Wencai. A smart and helpful guy in my class. Knew him since year 1. But we talk more after we specialise Economics.
Now, I know that what really differenciates a Dean list person n a non-dean list like me. NOt that I am jealous or envy or wat. But, they are really different. While i was doing accounting project today, the way he works with the computer.... so efficient and meticulous. The way he does the referencing for our report. I was like.. ok.. You know that this person got "substance" one.
From this, you can see that this person certainly has what it takes to be a high-flyer. Unlike me, who always give sub-standard work.. haiz.. well, have alot to learn from him. like wat he always tell me "You must have more confidence!" I certainly hope so.. and one day be on par with him. haha..
I don't know why. Recently, after my computer gets fixed. I like to blog. Blog about my daily reflections, feelings. happy, sad, confused.. feelings. I know why. Cause I can't tell people how i really feel.. and also because.. I don't know what future will bring. So no point telling people about it when they ve no clue as in what will happen. haha..
just getting impatient here.. tsk tsk..
Answer : Truth
Truth is clear but fragile when truth is broken and lies remain.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Little thoughts
True.. like what KK says. Watching the vcd/ dvd together under the moonlight at DCS that shows 18 days of our life together. I'm sure if one day we do, only if, i will sure cry. Memories will start pouring out. I'll remember every morning, when i woke up from my sleeping bag, everyone around me will still be sleeping. There will be some noise (children playing) outside the room. Then, i will get my stuffs and walked to the guys toilet for my morning bath. This is because i always sleep early (I din't want to wait for the queue to the girls toilet at night). It is always very refreshing. Then, by the time i finish bathing, I know that I will see Ghostie coming into the toilet. Haha.. it was a great feeling then. Nice feeling to see someone you like first thing in the morning.
I never tell people nor in my own personal reflection report to Serene how I exactly feel. Because, everyday I will feel differently and its too much to decide which to begin with. I must admit that there is always a cloud of "feeling" over me. Not a good feeling though. I regret that I did not do much over there. I regret that I went out too often. To think back, it's almost like you did nothing at all. However, I tell myself not to think that way. It is just part of my work.
Anyway, this upper portion is just a tiny reflection what i feel after reading KK's email.
I feel very "not myself" today. Deep down, I know. I know what is exactly wrong. But, i refuse to let it overcome me. So, its a battle within myself. However, I know that I will though it.
Sometimes, it's a blessing in disguise. I always have this Ah Q thought. If something happens, it happens for a reason and the aftermath is actually not that bad. It makes you follow what you are actually hestitant about (out of no choice), when that happens, you just move on and everything else will falls into place.
All this while, I've been thinking alot. Yet, you made a decision for me. I'm glad. Though abit perturbed by it. I'm glad everything is going back to equillibrium. I hope you carry on doing what you intend to do.
Riddle for the day: What is as clear as water and as fragile as a glass?
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Seeking thrill
I was reading my old blog. A Blog no one knew about it until now. It was a blog that was filled with alot of remorse, grief and regrets. While i was reading it, I don't feel anything. I don't even remember how i really feel at that moment. I guess, I must be feeling really very upset.
Was chatting on MSN almost the whole afternoon with Zoel and Ql. Cool ya.. I haven chat for a very long time on MSN. I had this phobia in me which lasted for 4 months. Right now, I wouldn't say that I still like to chat, because I don't wanna chat or the sake of chatting. I really had better things to do. Like exercising, which i am so slack now. It's all e tibits fault. I must curb my craving now. haiz.. sad.
I've got all the evidence against him. I mean, I seriously refuse to believe la however, the reality is always cruel. Haiz.. y must all guys be like that? It's really tiring to be always sceptical about what one's has to say, do.. Cannot even trust them as a friend.. Always guessing.. I'm tired. Tired of such "small" games. Yet, i am addicted. haha..
Should I be frank? Yesterday, was reading a news article, this famous taiwan female author was saying "It's good to feel loved or have that love feeling but when commitment comes along, it will just ruin everything!" I absolutely agree. However, how many of us can do it?
I just seeking thrill.
Monday, March 07, 2005
YEP exhibition (posing with 2 mei nu..)
At a bar
Girls with Yian (bday girl!)
shock of my life!!
Got a shock yesterday while i was reading my Acc text at abt 0000. I though i am already very hardworking, first time reading my text b4 going for my class the next day. BUt, i was wrong. Wencai called me... and he told me that i was supposed to present acc tutorial the next day. We had only 8 hrs to prepare. Wah.. i was like.. okie. Then, there was a huge problem. My PC was down (though i jus bought a new one on Sunday but nth was uploaded yet). With no PC, no question, no Textbook, i had nth to begin with. So, he say, nvm la.. we two do lo.. Wah... !!! My pride went up. They already help me with the Master Budget. and Now.. I have to rely on them for the presentation. I feel so useless as a member of the group. At the same time, blessed that I had them.
In the end, to save my pride, i pack my bag, went st to Yiwen's hse n then to Sini hse later to do my Qn. As sini already had the ans, i just have to figure out what is actually happening. I took 4 hrs.. to understand. haha.. that is because i was half chatting with Sini.
We chat about alot of stuffs.. old stuffs.. old old stuffs.. finally we decide to sleep at 4am. Sometimes, i really feel guilty. Firstly, I am slack. Then, my frens around me are always there to help. So, you just "take for granted" n not do ur stuffs.
But, I am already trying to change.
What is most sickening thing is that, i am free yesterday. FIrst Sunday ever so free.. since 2005 started. Went to Sim Lim to buy my new computer as my old com.. give up on me! *sobz*
Nvm.. i get a new one. as usual, wencai help me again. LEnd me the cds.. give me the advice on what to buy.. what not to.. even.. e salesman.. abit.. du lan with me.. haha..
Was suppose to go out but due to miscommunication, i din't. Anyway, is okie. Sometimes, going out is a danger.
Now, i really feel that w/o a computer, I am really handicapped. cant do my proj, cant check my damn mail. cant blog. cant listen to music.
on e other hand, is quite pleasant, because.. you just ve to do study.. n do whatever that you need to do.
Sorry.. my thoughts.. are flowing here n there. Was chattin with sini, n talking rubbish. Saying how things change. HOw feelings change. 1 yr ago.. n now. is so different. So, wat is constant? is change. haha.. cliche.. then.. i was lookin at an acc definition. I looked up. "Textbook don't change!" i begin to crap.
was chatting with yiwen. hmm.. I don't know what to say to you. Cause.. you and I are on opposite stand. Whatever you are thinking, I suppose, is what he is thinkin at that time, it really very hurting. But, i must say that Time heals. I hope "he" will heal eventually. Takes time. Alot of patience. Alot alot. If i were him, i would say that you are really hard-hearted ya. haha.. but then, if you are not happy, it is pointless to stay together.
Maybe. maybe not meant to be. Well, then like what Aaron say, welcome to the "free bird" club.. n may our farrago "curse" be contained.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
busy day
kekez..wat a headline. I think i nv say i not busy ya. haha.. went to botanical garden yesterday with Sini, heli, Kahhui and Liping. Wah.. c c look.. look. nth much also. Went to visit the Swan lake. This just reminds me of Jingting and Fahaizah.. sth like that. THat was way back in my primary school days where they have the excursion trip. He pushed her into the pond. It was damn embarrassing la.. oops..
Then, we went to Chinatown and Esplanade for some photo takings. Too bad, the camera isn't working too well, so Heli couldn't took the Merlion photo.
AFter that, went for Geylang for my Tao Huey therapy session. haha.. eat my Sao Bing. haha.. couldn resist. Then, they decide to go for the Tian ji zhou.. (Frog leg porridge). I went back about 11 pm by a bus. Jason was good enough to accompany me la. haha.. we chat on some things. sensitive issue.. glad that he don't mind me asking. Wah.. Long dist relationship.. hard ah.. well, my advice is : think carefully lo.. don't rush into things. Heez.. after all, he is mature enough to think for himself.. n perhaps.. e girl too.. haha..
Reached home.. at about 12 plus.. got an expected call FINALLY. Haiz.. damn it. always like that. anyway.. today i feel really tired la..
Seriously, i think i going to die soon. Die in my own hands. Good luck n take care !