Saturday, October 23, 2004
another milestone
just let me cry in front of e screen for e last time as i type tis entry.
as we walk to East Coast, we both heading the same direction, thinkin tt we shld try out. No matter what happen. In e end, we did.
"you nv date before?" yes. I nodded. "why".I was afraid of being hurt. I am so protective of myself. Yet, i gave u completely when i was with u.
Everytime, we get into fight when I say sth that u won't tt happy. Think i now understand how you feel. I took that for granted i guess. Yet, i treasure you.
I always tell u.. I may not be the best galfren .. u can always find someone better. U din want to reply me. Everytime, when we talk on the phone, i tend to say things that are hurtful. yet, u had to bear with me.
i am really convinced by u. That we will have a future. We are optimistic. Rather. I always tell u that no one knows what will happen in future. But, you don't believe.
I told u i don want any promises or assurances. yet, u gave me. Yet...
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I don't want to blame u. I don't want to think of what u told me in the past. It can be so hurtful. Till now, I don't know what happened. convince myself that u nv love me. I am only someone who accompany u when u ve "whole lots of time" while.. i have to struggle to spend time among u, studies, tuition, family n frens, cca at tt time .......
i guess i ve alot to learn. Perhaps i din do enough.
What if.. what if..... there is none.
On tt tragic day, I had to rush to places.. ve meeting everywhere.. till 10 pm plus.. ve to cry on Sini's shoulder until.. i had no choice but to brush my tears aside when i meet the T-shirt gal. At night, i had to meet Dom n Serene, i couldn pay attention to what they were sayin.. i had to msg Huijing to help me listen. while, Dom fetch me home and counsel me.
"you must set a deadline, where its time to pick urself up". Pick up e torn pieces.. my confidence is seriously low. keep thinkin if we will patch up.. .. I know tt i am foolish to think tt way.
Through tis, I realise how much my frens n family means to me. It make me realise how much my mum loves me. It's the first time that i told her i love her. That, i promise her that I will be strong. though.. my heart is breakin.
It's always e one closest to u who hurt u most.
Useless to say anything. Waiting for time to heal me. Relyin on my frens when i need extra support.
Actually, i din want to write this. I din want to do bloggin. Cos, nth i write will ever describe e feelings I am going through.
perhaps, we r just not meant to be. We met at the wrong time. It's no one's fault. Don't ever say sorry to me.