Saturday, June 10, 2006
Looking for love that lasts
Not many people marry their first loves. But do you really have to date a few times before you're ready to settle down?.. (Taken rom Straits times By Teo Pau Lin)
IF THERE'S a hidden meaning that I can sniff out like a champion bloodhound, it's the expression 'I need to go find myself'. I last heard it a few weeks ago when Z said his girlfriend had just told him that she wanted to go travelling alone, in order to 'find' herself. He thought it would be one of those life-affirming breaks and that she would return soul-searched and happy. I knew that the relationship was over.
In the lexicon of lame break-up excuses, needing to find yourself is right up there with 'It's not you, it's me'.
What the person is really saying is: 'I want out. But I feel bad about it. So I'm coming up with this bogus higher calling. I hope you buy it.' True enough, Z and his girlfriend broke up last week. He found out that she had cheated on him when she was on holiday in Melbourne a few months ago. He couldn't trust her anymore and called it quits.
So now, he's swigging beers at my place and mourning the demise of a six-year relationship. She, meanwhile, is thinking of hopping back to Melbourne. Seems like she's really going there to find herself - a new boyfriend.
I think she's a fool. Z is one of the most decent guys I know, who works as a writer by day, plays rock guitar in a band by night, and has manga good looks to boot. When her fling is over - and I'm giving it two months, max - she'll be as sorry as an Air Supply ballad, and by that time, Z would have moved on.
But a big part of me concedes that this could be a journey she has to take.
Z was her first love. The inescapable question that hit her, and most people who have had only one love, is: What is it like to be with someone else? In other words, don't you need to test-drive a few cars first before deciding which is the best model? These days, marrying your first love is as rare as uncooked steak.
A generation ago, it was almost standard practice. In my family alone, almost all of my uncles and aunts - my Mum too - married their first loves. In the span of just one generation, marriage has turned from something that matures from puppy love to something that requires numerous trial runs and the proverbial blood, sweat and tears. One reason is that options have increased. Unlike our mothers who married young and led lives confined to the home, women of my generation are holding down jobs, seeing the world and meeting more potential partners. And yet, has dating more people led to better choices in marriage? Given the soaring rates of divorce in recent years, I'd think the answer is a clear no. Then again, neither does marrying your first love guarantee a successful marriage - I can't say that all of my uncles and aunts have happy ones.
When I was a teenager, I dreamt of marrying my first love. I wasn't interested in variety. I didn't want the hassle of break-ups which I had heard so much about. I wanted to hit bull's eye with my first shot.
Things turned out a little differently.
My first love failed. I've since had my heart trampled on a few more times, and I've stepped on a few myself.
But on hindsight, I'm glad that I've gone through several relationships, if only for this reason - I've learnt to narrow down what kind of partner I really need. When I was much younger, just about anyone tall, half good-looking and with a pulse could qualify. Now, I've learnt never to settle for anyone less than reliable, loving towards my family, and - trust me, this is important – share the same level of cleanliness as myself.
Spiritual compatibility is essential, and there are few combinations more precious than talent and humility.
It's been a journey of self-discovery, so I suppose 'finding myself' isn't such a bogus assertion after all.
Some people, like a happily married colleague who tied the knot when he was only 24, knew what he wanted - and found it - early in his life. Others, like me, have to take a longer road.
Z's ex-girlfriend will probably get there one day, but at the cost of sacrificing her first love.